PS: I Love You.

Never imagined we'd end like this

2011-10-08T21:36:00.003+08:00

I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
Told me you loved me
So why did you go away?

I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement
I ran off the car
That very night
The beat of your heart
The jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms

I do remember
The swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then
You pull me in

Because I love your handshake
I love how you walk with your arms locked around my neck
How you disturbed me when I was in the middle of something
There's not a day when I don't miss those rude interruptions

But now I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is that
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this

So I'll watch you live in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe

Hope it's nice where you are
And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and town
But I never planned on you changing your mind

Your name, forever the name on my lips
Just like our last kiss

♥

I've gone mad

2011-09-15T17:34:00.002+08:00

I know you're somewhere out there

Somewhere far away

I want you back

My neighbors think I'm crazy

But they don't understand

You're all I have

At night when the stars light up my room

I sit by myself

Talking to the moon

Trying to get to you

In hopes you're on the other side

Talking to me too

Or am I a fool who sits alone

Talking to the moon

I'm feeling like I'm famous

The talk of the town

They say I've gone mad

Yeah I've gone mad

But they don't know what I know

Cause when all the parties and crowd dies down

It's just me myself

Do you ever hear me calling?

Cause every night I'm talking to the moon

Still trying to get to you

I know you're somewhere out there

Somewhere far away

我们说好的

2011-08-30T15:36:00.003+08:00

我们说好决不放开相互牵的手

却到分岔的路口你向左我向右

我们都强忍着不曾回头

我们说好一起老去看细水常流

可现实说过有爱还不够

时间也说我们从此不可能再问候

我们像分隔成一整个宇宙

再见都化作乌有

Everything should be normal

2011-06-23T17:04:00.002+08:00

Today XQ showed me a lil' notebook and asked if it belongs to me. I flipped open the pages and saw multiple hotel names, names and with their numbers on it - it was my plannings and organising for my wedding dinner. After that, I noticed she subsequently steal glances at me. I hate to know that why and what is she glancing for. It made me remember why she is worried and that she shouldn't have to be. Everything should be normal. DT should be here beside me, rolling his eyes and listening to me grumble about the delay of our wedding dinner.

大雨過後的眼淚　掛在裝滿回憶的櫥窗 
我卻不想望一望　那些心碎的形狀

Can you hear me when I call your name

2011-06-13T03:37:00.009+08:00

Last time we talked, the night that I walked, burns like an iron in the back of my mind. I must've been high to say you and I weren't meant to be and just wasting my time.
Why did I ever doubt you?

You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one.

I'm thinking about all that still matters is love ever after. After the life we've been through, I should have known that there's no life after you.
You never said that it would be this hard. Love is meant to be forever, now or never seems to discard.

Complicated situations are the makings of all that's wrong and I've been standing in the river of deliverance way too long.

When you fall apart am I the reason for your endless sorrow? There's so much to be said.

There's gotta be a better way for me to say what's on my heart without leaving scars.
So can you hear me when I call your name?

一个人黑夜里的哭泣就像你在一旁嘲笑我过去的愚蠢。

2011-04-26T21:47:00.002+08:00

This is my first time in Korea and something struck up in my mind.

The person that should be here with me is none other than, you.

If everything didn't go wrong, if I didn't selfishly leave you on your 28th birthday, we are here taking our wedding photos, which you already made a deposit to.

My mother-in-law called me the day before I flew at the airport. She's still asking me for the reason you chose this road and crying to me on the phone, telling me how much she still thinks of you everyday.

My sister-in-law messaged me to ask if I still have your photo so they can put up at your new place. I could not even bring myself to tell her I actually lost it. I can't even protect and keep safe something so simple like your photo. How could you have trusted little Chloe with me for life?

Things got kind of cleared up in my mind these months. No, I still got no idea of why you left so abruptly and I guess I will never know. But one thing for sure is, regardless the reason behind, this tragedy happened because I didn't standby you as your wife, like I vowed to be; I wasn't there for you, like I promised.

Before you passed on, I remember we were lashing each other out on how we failed as a husband and wife.

It's too late to say this now but, I'm sorry for saying words that hurt you. You were the perfect husband I could never have asked for, the perfect husband whom couldn't have loved me better. I'm sorry for blaming you for everything that I couldn't ~~fucking~~ do.

一个人黑夜里的哭泣就像你在一旁嘲笑我过去的愚蠢。

只要你可以永远开心，我会情愿渐渐被忘记。

2011-04-12T16:33:00.002+08:00

Today is one of the depression days where I find myself locked up in the room and immobile for hours again. I cry for a while, stopped and felt okay, lit up a cigarette and then cry again. I don't know what triggered the sadness this time. Probably the WhiteLink receipt which I happened to fumble on or lil' Chloe's repeated callings for 'papa' when she accidentally fumbled on our photos as well.

But what I'm sure of is, I really miss you a lot.

If you're still out there listening,
只要你可以永远开心，我会情愿渐渐被忘记。

Oneandonly, DavidTan.

2011-03-16T19:13:00.000+08:00

I just can't believe you're gone
Still waiting for morning to come
Wanna see if the sun will rise even without you by my side
When we have so much in store tell me what is it I'm reaching for
When we're through building memories I'll hold yesterday in my heart
In my heart

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we never played
They can take the future that we'll never know
They can take the places that we said we would go
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday

You always used to say I should be thankful for every day
Heaven knows what the future holds or at least how the story goes
(But I never believed them till now)
I know I'll see you again I'm sure no it's not selfish to ask for more
One more night one more day
One more smile on your face but they can't take yesterday

I thought our days would last forever
(But it wasn't our destiny)
'Cause in my mind we had so much time
But I was so wrong
Now I can believe that I can still find the strength in the moments we made
I'm looking back on yesterday

All the broken dreams take everything
But they can never have yesterday

I'd Rather

2011-02-24T21:57:00.003+08:00

I'd rather you be the one who is receiving all these spam calls from all sorts of counselors.
I'd rather my insurance agent be the one calling you up.
I'd rather my parents be the ones repeating asking you what the heck went wrong.
I'd rather you be the one who is receiving all those condolences.
I'd rather you be the one crying your heart out every night to bed.
I'd rather you be the one missing me every now and then.
I'd rather be the one with facebook wall post flooded with "RIP"'s than flooded with "Please stay strong for Chloe."'s.

But come to think of it, my heart will even ache. How could you have bear to do so?

It may be hard for you to make the decision to leave; but have you ever thought that it is the hardest for the ones left behind?

I miss you so much I'm more than willing to exchange my life for yours to return.

Nobody had told me that I was short on time

2011-02-20T08:13:00.007+08:00

You've been gone for a month now.

I packed my room and thought about how I had bumbled around for the past month trying to get my life into some sort of order. Days went by when I felt so content, and confident that my life would be OK, and then as quickly as the feeling came it would disappear and I would feel sadness setting in again. I tried to find a routine I could fall into so that I felt as though I belong in my body and my body belong in this life, instead of wandering around like a zombie, watching everybody else live theirs while I waited for mine to end.

Unfortunately the routine hadn't turned out exactly as I hoped it would. I found myself immobile for hours in my room, reliving every single memory that me and DT shared. I spent most of that time thinking about every argument we'd had, wishing I could take them back, wishing I could take back every horrible word I had ever said to him, I prayed that DT had known my words had only been spoken in anger and that they had not reflected my true feelings. I tortured myself for the times I had acted selfishly, going out with my friends for the night and refused to let him come and find me when I couldn't be bothered instead of going home to him. I chastised myself for walking away from him when I should have hugged him, when I ignored him for days when he said he missed me. I hated myself for hanging up his calls when he said whatever I'm doing and saying to him hurt him a lot. I cursed myself for slamming his car door behind me the last time I saw him. I wanted to take back every moment I knew he had been so angry with me and hated me. I wished all my memories were of the good times but the bad times kept coming to haunt me. They had all been such a waste.

And nobody had told us that we were short on time.
Or rather, nobody had told me that I was short on time.

There were my happy days, when I would walk around in a daydream with nothing but a smile on my face, catching myself giggling as I walked down the street when a joke of ours would suddenly pop into my head.
Then I would fall into days of deep dark depression; then finally build up the strength to be positive and to snap out of it for another few days. But the tiniest and simplest thing would trigger off my tears again. That is my routine. It is a tiring process and most of the time I couldn't be bothered battling with my mind. It is far stronger than my body.
Friends and family came and went; sometimes helping me with my tears, other times making me laugh. But even in my laughter there was something missing. I never seemed to be truly happy; I just seemed to be passing time till I waited for something else. I am tired of just existing; I want to live. But what was the point in living when there is no life in it. These questions went through my mind over and over again till I reached the point of not wanting to wake up from my dreams that's becoming more and more vague each day.

I read and reread DT's proposal note to me and our msn chat history over and over again. I know he will never write notes nor speak to me ever again. It is this that I have the most difficulty trying to come to terms with.

I know that people said that one day I would be happy again and that this feeling would just be a distant memory. I don't know about that. But it is getting to that feeling that is the hard part.

还有谁能够紧握着我的手，陪着我期待消失的彩虹？

说好陪我到老
又狠往哪里走

Baby, come back to me.

2011-02-18T16:27:00.004+08:00

Finally back home after 24hours of lockup and IMH.

The only way I could find a lil' comfort in is at the thought that my ashes can be kept beside DT's forever. They keep thinking I'm mentally ill. Deep down, I know it is normal to feel like this. I didn't particularly think I am losing my mind.

All of the things that I thought would be OK, just got harder and harder each day.

The rain falls on my windows and a coldness runs through my soul.
I don't want to be alone.

I wish that I could photoshop all our bad memories because the flashbacks won't leave me alone.

I admit I was wrong. Don't know why I did it. But I do regret it. Nothing I can do or say can change the past.

Everything I ever did, heaven knows I'm sorry.
I was too dumb to see you were always there for me.

Can't you see you punished me more than enough already?

Let me make up for what happened in the past.
Baby, come back to me;
I'll be everything you need.

I don't wanna be independent

2011-02-16T17:53:00.002+08:00

Even my CPU is pissing me off. If you were here, I would scream my head off at you to fix it. But now, I can only bury my head, cry in anger helplessly and hope everything turns out well.

I'm starting to hate myself for being sucha crybaby now. Even the tiniest and simplest thing would trigger off my tears.

Happy Valentines'

2011-02-14T12:08:00.003+08:00

Remember you said to bring me for French cuisine on Valentine's last month?
Guess you don't.

I'm never having French for Valentine's in my whole fuckingshitty life.

Anyway, Happy Valentine's to you, dear.

I love you.

Lil' Kingvern's arrival

2011-02-06T01:42:00.002+08:00

Hallelujah!! My best friend has gaven birth! She has lots of things to look forward to in life now.

I wanted to feel happy for my friends, really I did, but I couldn't shake off the feeling of being left behind. Everyone else's life is moving on except mine.
I scorned myself for being so bitter. I wanted to be by my best friend's side right now celebrating their baby's arrival with them like the old Linda Ser would have done. But I couldn't bring myself even to smile for them.
I am jealous of them and their good fortune. I am angry with them for moving on without me.
Even in the company of friends I felt alone, in a room of thousand people I would feel alone. But it was when I roamed the room of my quiet house in the night that I felt most alone.

I hated the butterflies I got in my tummy every time I remembered DT.
I hated the feeling of having no excitement to look forward to.
I missed the feeling of being loved, of sensing DT's eyes on me as I entered a room; I miss his touches, his hugs, his words of advice; his words of love.
And I hated to think of what my life might be like when there would be no more DT.
Memories are fine but I can't touch them, smell them or hold them. They were never exactly as the moment was, and they fade with time.

Everything that we had been through is starting to feel like it's a dream I made.
I'm really afraid that I will forget or hold on to our memories one day, David. I'm really afraid that I'll forget even your face one day.

Hurt

2011-01-23T15:18:00.002+08:00

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face.
You told me how hurt you were but I walked away.
If only I knew what I know today.

I would hold you in my arms, I would take the pain away.
Thank you for all you've done.
There's nothing I wouldn't do to hear your voice again.
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there.

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit.
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss.
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this.

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance to look into your eyes and see you looking back.

If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away.

It's so out of line to try to turn back time.

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do.
And I've hurt myself, by hurting you.

I still can't believe you left me

2011-01-23T14:38:00.002+08:00

On 20th January 2011, 7.27pm, you messaged me.

"I really love u and chloe but it's all too late I can't do much more already"

On 20th January 2011, 8.30pm, you decided to take the plunge and leave me behind.

It's not the first time you pulled this stunt for the past 3yearsplus we had been together and I really didn't expect the first and only time I ignored is the time you really did it.

If I had called you back or at least give you a message when you told me you were suffering from depression and you couldn't stop thinking about me, all these tragedies won't happen.

But I didn't.

If I believed in next life and reincarnation, maybe I won't feel as traumatized.
If I believed in afterlife and souls, maybe I feel when I tell you those so many things I never told you, you can still hear me.
But now, all I know is you're dead, no longer here and you're all smashed up in a white glass jar.

Whenever I shut my eyes now, your distorted flattened face will surface. And my heart aches really badly.

Happy 29th Birthday

2011-01-06T01:28:00.001+08:00

You made me cry my heart out on your 27th Birthday;

We both cried on your 28th Birthday;

I made you cry on your 29th.

And neither both of us will have to shed another tear on your 30th, I promise.

Because I'm putting a fullstop here.

Sometimes, I really miss the times when I was young... as love was all I knew back then.

Xoxo

2010-11-28T07:00:00.001+08:00

Xoxo.

You're so KNNBCCB that I've got nothing to say.

2010-11-06T09:22:00.002+08:00

You called me out of the blue one day, telling me you missed Chloe. I believed and passed the phone to her; she ignored you. Then you called back and asked for a favour from me - I knew it; you're in a financial crisis (you always do) and asked for my help. I couldn't bear to see you die, but I made you promise me you will return by the next day because I have my own financial stuffs to settle as well. You promised like you always did. Me, being the idiot, trusted you again. The following night, you called me from a public phone, asking if I could talk for a moment because you missed me after you heard Jay's "最长的电影 " on the radio. After that, you went missing. I called your parents and heard 'em calling for you and you ignored 'em.

I cared and helped you when you're desperate no matter what, as long as they're within my means, but you didn't bloody cared for mine.

I wanted to leave my job alone and pia cab over and Pauline asked if I really cared for the money or you. I told her for what I care for a selfish man whom only cared for himself and not me and my daughter.

You may think that the money I earned on the expense of my life, the time I could've spent with Chloe other than hangover-ing every other day is EASY MONEY.
But I can tell you, it's not and I'm definitely much more dependent than you.

You're so KNNBCCB that I've got nothing to say.

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice
you mean everything
Quickly I'm learnin'
To love again
All I know is
I'm gon' be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something that'd remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming
Don't wanna let that hurt my feelings
But that's the path I've been living
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

It's an emo freaky Sunday

2010-10-04T06:13:00.003+08:00

Those drink and get drunk for the past week are taking its toll on my body. I don't even get drunk in a day a week just last couple of months. Wtf is happening?

Everyone around me is getting things in life tough. Is it the freaky October?

Other than turning this blog into a depressing blog, I don't know what else to blog. There's nothing :D to blog about these days.

I'm so gonna get my MAC cpu and then laser my eyes.

I wanna rearrange and reorder my life and get it back on track.

Gone and Goodbye

2010-08-29T17:11:00.002+08:00

So I guess this time, we've really walked to the end.

Please take care and be okay.

Things are getting out of my control

2010-07-10T16:49:00.002+08:00

I'm falling back into the pithole. And I'm looking for the rope to grab me back. What's happening?

You don't know how much I fucking need your assurance, even more than ever before.

I thought I picked the best apple

2010-06-22T23:14:00.003+08:00

Things are getting along fine.

Some times, I feel totally okay with being alone.
Some times, I missed you and wanted so much for you to be there.
Some times, I hate you like how a fat boy hates his salads.
Some times, my confidence was so inflated, nothing can nail it.
Some times, I felt lonely.
Some times, I really wanna be your 100% wife, inside-out, even better than how I used to be - tame down my temper, be your nice housewife at home, sorts out everyday-mundane stuffs for you and an independent woman outside and shits like that. However, time to time, ugly facts just keep coming back to me, reminding me you're no longer the imperfectly perfect man I loved then.

I would always proudly tell my friends and love ones that I've got the most faithful man as my husband. Yes, you've done nothing for this family, you're a thumbs-down gambler who will forget even your pregnant wife at home, crying her heart out. But, one thing for sure that had been supporting me throughout all these fuckshit-my-husband-is-missing-again nights, loving and believing, kept me hanging on, is that... My man is true, to me. And god knows if I am able to find another.

Yet today, I'm pouring out and crying to PIC about those shits that I never thought will happen, shits that slapped me hard, awake.

I thought I picked the best apple.

Bouncing back

2010-06-17T01:40:00.004+08:00

People have been commenting about my depressed and angry self these days. Ranging from,
"All those post and words sound like it will come out from anyone BUT you."
"What happened after you came back? You've changed."
"Emokid."

Reason being: the only man I thought who seemed so true, the only man I loved not long but with my everything, the only man whom I'm willing to give up everything, turned out different.
Everything which happened for the past coming-to-3years was all nothing but me being naive, all of a sudden. This realisation came too abruptly and hit me hard.
I was lost.

------------------

Accompanied PIC to Sentosa to pick out her menu for her catering buffet on her ROM. The villa will be awesome, I'm sooooo looking forward to it.

Shortlisted for the job. Going down at 1pm tomorrow. Will be on probation for a month - my ever first office job.

Working towards my motivation: I will bounce back to the invulnerable and independent self and prove to the whole world that I can live even better without anyone; I don't need a man.

Not gonna let myself down.

It is so KNNBCCB that I have nothing to say

2010-06-15T09:50:00.003+08:00

Shits get shit-ier when one is down like losing your phone while sleeping. Sounds ridiculous? I set up my Blackberry's alarm at 8.30am; my iPhone's alarm at 8.20am. I woke up at 8.30am, feeling damnnnnn pissed as I suppose it's Zhua Si Ka Alba or Bibi whom took my iPhone to play. So I forced my eyes awake and stormed out of my room and demanded for my phone. None of them took it. I called, it's fucking OFF-ed when I just charged it last night and only pluck it out at 5plus am during my commercial break.

I swear I turned my whole room upside down while Xiao Qin Ma Ma was rambling on and on on my windows left open (FYI: I've been leaving my windows open ever since I stay in this room - which is donkey years).

Then, appointment time changed to afternoon. So much for forcing myself asleep last night and forcing myself fully awake.

Till now, I still can't believe I can lose my iPhone just LIKE THAT.
Now, tell me what the fuck is the world happening.

FML

2010-06-14T15:04:00.002+08:00

Had wars on FB earlier.

Then just as I was fuming as the wars ended, the wedding studio called me. Yah yah, of ALL times, they ring me NOW.

"Hi, Ms Linda."
"Yah."
"We're calling from the White Link, wedding studio. Is your wedding date confirmed?"
"..........."
*kup*

As if I'm not pissed enough.

FML

2010-06-13T09:17:00.004+08:00

The NTUC chalet at downtown is fully booked on my desired dates. Yeah, I knew it. What now!? FML.

Sometimes when things got hard and got my way, selfishness took over and overwhelm me, I really hate you for this incomplete family, for not being a good father to Chloe. I mean, put the marriage between us aside, put you being my husband aside, you don't give a total damn to her. Do you even miss her? She's your bloody own daughter, David. And this is what. Don't blame me when I remove the 'Tan' from her name as I don't find you up to being her father - I don't feel you being one.

I'm starting to wonder if I did the right thing by giving you up. FML, twice.

Am I... right?

Hot momma back on Sunny Island

2010-06-11T14:56:00.002+08:00

I'm back from US last last night! PIC was there to pick me. We had popeyes and slept over at my place then to town for a random shoot and dental appointment.

No uploads from US until SSSSS (ask PIC, she gave that name) gathers me all the pictures.

Other than my skin is crispy and peeling like I have skin disease and my room is in a total mess from my barangs barangs left unpacked, I NEED A JOB.

My new hobby is peeling my skin on the trains and while having coffee at coffee clubs. PIC hates my new hobby, I can see.

I'm bloody alive

2010-06-02T15:18:00.002+08:00

I'm here for the 4th (according to State's timing) or 5th (SG's timing) day.

Just got San Diego from Las Vegas and Los Angeles yesterday.

Jessica ALBAAAA: xiao Qing was worried when there's totally no sign from you. ... See Moreshe keep asking me "she got online anot?" even when I rushing to the toilet, she just won't let me off! so please aunti linda be more responsible for your action! next time you go overseas please don't bring xiao qing's worried along with you can? if not I won't be going to the toilet peacefully! you are not travelling alone

What do you get for guilty-filled + sweet-filled?

Going back to LA for Universal Studio tomorrow morning when I haven't even been to our dear Singapore's one.

I'm so upset that all the pictures (which is veryyyyyyyyyy few) are totally CMI - Cannot Make It. Will try to get better ones for Universal Studio tomorrow. Blame the bo-skill cameraman. Zzzzz...

My post is totally pointless and everything doesn't link. -_________-

*Turning in*

Oh, and before that, I miss Chloe Orhlulu, Ser Family, PIC, my two babies, my bed and... DTTBM.

I'm sorry.

Goodnight.

There's tons of fishes in the water; so the waters I will test.

2010-05-27T03:26:00.005+08:00

I'll be flying to my FAVOURITE place ever on earth in 28hours' time. My ANG better not come and disturb my trip. So, please miss for another 12days. Las Vegas, here I come!! :)))

And stop cursing and hoping I will get gangbang because the female angmoh species have thunder legs 348739846579835 inches longer than mine.

On a totally different note,
I just can't seem to find my way back to how I used to love you more than anything else in the world anymore, no matter how hard I try.

If I were a boy,
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl.
I swear I'd be a better man,
I'd listen to her.
Cause I know how it hurts.
When you lose the one you wanted,
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You got it wrong.

But you're just a boy.
You don't understand,
And you don't understand
How it feels to love a girl.
You wish you were a better man;
You don't listen to her,
You don't care how it hurts,
Until you lose the one you wanted.
Cause you're taking her for granted,
And everything you had got destroyed

UGH!

2010-05-18T16:55:00.003+08:00

Been terribly sick since after Saturday night's FLY-ing. Now my tummy's feeling upset (with no signs of pang sai-ing). Ugghhh... Utterly no mood for anything. Get well soon, please. :(

On a different note, 10 days down to LA. ^^

Only one

2010-05-09T14:45:00.005+08:00

I lost the only someone whom I will do stupid things with in the middle of town.
I lost the only someone whom I will disturb retardos like CGH with.
I lost the only someone whom I will laugh at funny people walking pass the streets of town.
I lost the only someone whom I will buy everything with, including bras and Gs.
I lost the only someone whom I loved bitching shit about stupid whores.
I lost the only someone whom I will complain to when men act all stupid.
I lost the only someone whom I always laughed so hard with.
I lost the only someone whom I will call and cry to in the middle of the night.
I lost the only someone whom I shared everything with.
I lost my partner-in-crime,
I lost my only friend.

Who are we to blame?

O.O

2010-05-07T11:35:00.004+08:00

I still can't believe I really booked the ticket to LA.

Zzzzzzzz

2010-05-05T03:37:00.002+08:00

I'm awake at the time of 2.30am because of insomnia and it's all down to my iPhone. Funny, isn't it? I've lost so many phones, I should be immune to it. I'm just freaking pissed this time, I don't know why.

Anyway, I'll be getting back my SIM card and the iPhone tomorrow. Will probably get a haircut and dye before that.
I want back my long hair! Nehneh kor jiiiii~

- takes a peek into my pocket -

!!!

"Gimme my pay, si lang Ace!"

#$%^&*!!!...

2010-05-03T10:34:00.003+08:00

It's 10.34am and I can't get to sleep. My mind's all swirling around my iPhone. Yes, I lost my barely 2weeks' old iPhone at Fly, again. MAI LAUGH EH SAI BUAY!? :@ - msn's angry face.

Yes yes yes, I lost more than 10 fucking phones in Dragonfly. Another 2 in my working places. Beat my record. I'm Fly's Santa Claus.

Kuai lai ah, lai ah, one kuku girl has free phones to give away. Lai ah, lai ahhhh~

*rolls eyes*

It's so knnbccb I have nothing to say.

And I have to find another one to replace before my Mom finds out. Fuck it.

P.S.: Wa mai ki Fly liao. "Ya ya ya, cui gong song nia." I can hear you saying that from here, whoever you are!!! *covers ears and runssssss*

Broke free

2010-04-29T11:50:00.003+08:00

Been working and boozing 7days a week. Bo bian~ I wanna go Los Angeles and Las Vegas!!!

I guess I'm better off alone, without you. I'm happier and free - I'm no longer dependent on someone and my heartbreaks and tears weren't decided by you, or anyone else, anymore. I'm back on track, the invulnerable me like how I was. I like it this way. But I just can't seem to make myself tell you that.
I really can't bear to be cruel and hurt your feelings, after so long. And I'm wondering how could you have done the same thing and threw me behind crying back then.

Am currently hooked onto Katy Perry's Thinking Of You. :)

^^

2010-04-24T06:12:00.002+08:00

My precious Chloe's first 2 teeth are popping outttt!!! ^^

If You're Not The One - Daniel Bedingfield

2010-04-20T05:01:00.005+08:00

I'm officially fucking, fucking, fucking disgusted from you. We could have just separate and lead our own lives amicably, but you just have to make things ugly.

Why do you have to pester me, asking me back when your heart's not even in this fucking marriage anymore?
Why do you have to make the effort to lie when I can't even be bothered in the first place?

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘ Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

You said you feel this song is for me.
Feel my fucking arse.

2010-04-07T18:08:00.000+08:00

I guess it's time you give up on me

2010-04-04T17:58:00.004+08:00

请让我靠近你轻轻对你说
别让我每个夜为你受折磨
是多么不容易才默默放手

当我说我要你从此好好过
是真的否则我怎么肯放手

为了我就当作这次为了我
别让我因为你被回忆折磨

为了我就当作这次为了我
赐给我你现在幸福的笑容
别让恨冻结了我们的脸孔

~~请你做选择~~
我别无选择。

For Chloe, For me

2010-04-04T16:59:00.004+08:00

I want no more wild boozing; I want no more Kaykay. I wanna work hard and live well for Chloe.
Sooooo, I'm going for an interview at 10am tomorrow. :)

And that bloody interview is at Tuas. What time must I freaking get up then? 7.30am? Wthhhhh~ Usually my everyday's 7.30am, I'm still outside having supper after clubs and boozes can!? Okay. I didn't have them; I just watch my friends and slurp on their drinks. Cos I'm usually too drunk to chomp away. :D

I'll be good and stay home and slap on an eye mask tonight.
Finally a day I get to spend with myself.
And just myself. :)

Woke up to this

2010-03-31T15:53:00.001+08:00

SICK

2010-03-22T05:34:00.002+08:00

Yes, I'm bloody sick for the 2nd time in a month. Those sleep-only-in-the-afternoon-then-wake-up-at-8pm-and-get-to-work-for-some-alcohol routine is taking its toll on me, I pretty much guess.

I can't even go near Chloe now that she's back from her weekend-father's-place. :(

I've been craving for the laksa steamboat for the last few weeks and I've yet to have it. :(

Planning a short KL trip with 罗小姐. And just the two of us. :)

It's 5.41am now, and I can't get any sleep as I've been sleeping and waking and sleeping and waking and sleeping and waking and sleeping and waking and... DIAM~ ... ever since 3pm till 3am.
So I'm gonna go rummage my kitchen for some food now, just for the sake of filling my tummy and preventing my stick body from going anywhere stick-ier (you know what I mean).
I can't taste ANYTHING now anyway; I can't even taste if the glass of martell is gao gao or un-gao gao. So don't accuse me if I get drunk in 2hours.

Phua neh nehhhhh~

I want you to move on

2010-03-17T08:23:00.005+08:00

You flooded my inbox with your sms-es last night, which you will never do back when we were together.

If god gave me a wish i'll say i wan linda to be by my side forever

Was that the case from the beginning?

I used to always swear to myself I'll leave you for good one day and make you regret all of these shits whenever you threw me behind crying; and I never did because I loved you too much to let go. Until more than 2 years later, I accumulated all the courage I could find and slowly distant my heart from you.

I've accomplished something I never thought I could ever do for the rest of my life.
Now that I did it, I'm not at all proud of it.

What's left lingering around, are bouts of bitterness.

Looking at you makes it harder,
But I know that you'll find another.
I want you to move on.

:)

2010-03-09T21:32:00.002+08:00

Logged in to msn as usual and the usual window popped out saying I received messages while I was offline.

david said: (3.23pm)

i miss u
.............

I stoned for 2 minutes.

Then realised we haven't been talking over msn for like donkey years; I clicked the "View your entire conversation history with this contact"

I read,
I laughed,
I smiled.

Tuned in Already Gone and tapped the "X" button on the top right hand corner.

----------------------

Off to doll up myself and head down to boatquay to meet my emoqueen for tonight, Miss Haze Loh.

P.S.: Feel so dumb to head down to UP on my off days. -___-

Already gone

2010-03-09T06:18:00.002+08:00

To: The usedtobe (Bird)Man of my life.

:)

2010-02-24T18:30:00.002+08:00

I'm getting down serious.

Go ahead and say goodbye; I'll be alright.
Go ahead and make me cry; I'll be alright.

No drama, no need for a show.

I don't know

2010-02-20T14:23:00.000+08:00

One Sweet Day

2010-01-27T23:05:00.005+08:00

It's coming to a month we're apart.

Today, you asked me to pack your stuffs and you will come over and collect when you're free. I replied the same and that your father could bring it to me on days when he comes over and pick Chloe.

Pauline said it's :( + :)
I don't know. Don't know how I felt or should be feeling. I no longer know anything.

I remember how I used to sometimes go to my house downstairs with nothing, but my cellphone, and wait for your return. I would stare at the roads, awaiting for your black 821 mazda3 to come back home... on one of your gone-missing days. I didn't know how long I had to wait or would you even come back home, but I just didn't want to wait alone at home.

Now, I will still sit at the same spot, tuning into the same tracks.
The difference there is only that, I'm no longer waiting for you to come home.

I'm not forcing myself not to think or forgetting everything between us.
I laugh when I want to.
I smile when I want to.
I listen to songs that reminds me of you when I want to.
I let the misses fill when they want to.
I mourn and let emotions crawl over when they want to, as well.

我不想刻意不去想；我不想刻意忘记你。
I will just let time slowly bland the hurt, the love, the misses, the memories... and everything we shared.

One sweet day when we meet, we will just smile, and remember.

28 things I want you to know

2010-01-17T20:01:00.007+08:00

I came across this 99 things boys need to know about girls (yes, it's again, another of 'em going around) and there's a couple of points in this where I've tried (and allow me to say "my best") to make you understand for the whole 2 years.... Maybe not just a couple.

1. Don't ever lie to me; I always find out.
2. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
3. It's good to be sensitive at sometimes.
4. It is not cool to shoot vulgarities in front of me.
5. Just because I fight with you doesn't mean I don't care. I care more about you than anyone else.
6. If you think you're going away for a while, tell me so I don't think you're dead and call your house like 20 times in 1 day.
7. I love it when you tell me you love me and MEAN IT.
8. I may act like I don't care sometimes, but I really do.
9. When I say leave me alone, it really means, dear, please don't go.
10. When we part, I'm still hurting so don't act like I never cared.
11. Not all girls care about fancy dinners and fancy stuff. You being there is all that matters.
12. I want respect. If you can't understand that, you'll be alone in the end.
13. I may have a lot of guy friends, but the only one I think about is you.
14. If you speak nicely to me, I'll do the same back.
15. Yes, I want a man who work, and the security of knowing you can take care of me and Chloe if needed but you need to understand that money alone will not keep a relationship.
16. A girl needs to know that she can count on you, meaning don't break a date with your girl to go to a ~~football~~mahjong game with your buds.
17. Don't think that you can run off doing whatever you want to and think I am going to sit at home by the phone waiting for you to call.
18. I may forgive, but I never forget.
19. I'm afraid to look needy, and want you to think I can also live happily without you.
20. If I have a big game, meet, competition, or any kind of important
event, I expect you to be there.
21. Be there for me when I need you. A smile, a call, a kiss, a hug, a
visit, or just listening can go a long way when I'm done or mad at you.
22. Don't joke around about stuffs that can be serious.
23. Have at least a direction of where your future is going to be and don't just say it's your future.
25. I love surprises.
26. Even though you are sometimes insensitive and hurt me, I still love you with everything.
27. Just because a girl doesn't pick up on the first ring doesn't mean she's not waiting by the phone.

and,
28. There's never a moment when I say I love you and doesn't mean it.

Happy Birthday

2010-01-05T23:34:00.003+08:00

A year ago, on your 27th birthday,

"Happy 27th birthday, dear! Regardless of 27 or 72, I will still love you, indefinitely. *hugs & kisses*"

was what I sent to you through sms.

You said you were lonely without me.

I smiled at your silliness.

I couldn't be by your side because I had to be there for my grandma's funeral at Batu Pahat, Malaysia. She couldn't even make out nor remember who I was the last day I saw her lying in the hospital and the last sounds I ever heard from her was the agony she had to put up with pipes going through her nose as her only source of food.

She was the last grandparent that I had and I really hoped you could be there as well.

You said you would come over after your birthday, but you disappeared on the next day, the 6th of Jan.

I was pregnant with Chloe for the 3rd month and it was the time when my mom finally came to terms with accepting my pregnancy and bought me cartons of milk for pregnant mothers.

Of course, my dad still couldn't.
In fact, till this day, he still can't.

I acted like normal in the day, hoping my mom would not find anything suspicious.

She kept asking me when are you coming and all I could come up with are excuses and excuses, day after day, hoping you would reply my messages and calls.

I tried to sleep when it's all dark and quiet at night. And when I finally couldn't, I would head to the balcony while everyone's asleep, and cry all night, while holding on to my phone.

It's your 28th birthday today, David.

And my present for you, is my final decision of separation.

After more than 2 years of laughters, tears, joys and of course love, this is the ever first time I mean it by letting you go.

Please take care of yourself for me.

And I will miss you, dear.
I really will.

Happy birthday, my deepest love.

Not anymore.

2009-12-27T16:18:00.001+08:00

You used to be my everything.
If it means to lose you to get the life I want, I will.

In agonyyy!!!!

2009-12-26T19:02:00.003+08:00

My recovery speed is sooooooooooo slow.
Some very good examples are:

1) People can recover for just 3 mere days and head out after labour when I'm still waddling like a duck and sitting on my Bibi's swimming float for 2weeks.

2) Bell/Alina and the assistant at Dental Art says that my teeth's aching pain will subsidy by 1-2days and I'm still chewing my already-very-soft food with my tongue and upper kou qiang (Whatever. I don't know the exact term for it) after 3.5days!!!

Before you think my teeth is all rotting at the age of 20, I'm having these light blue-green rubber bands in my teeth to force some small openings for braces "implant" on following Wednesday.

Yes, I'll be a metal woman with metal mouth, finally. You can laugh at me now (especially Pauline Low Bao Ling).

And DT can come ask me if kissing with my metalllll mouth will hurt or not.

Cheebehhhh~

Enjoy

2009-12-25T18:04:00.008+08:00

I just knocked off from work and came home, all tired. I was forcing my baby (in case you don't know, baby is my all white ferocious yet petite yet lovelyyy yet kuku (it's green cos kuku is ugly and green is ugly. I'm not saying cb is beautiful) dog who doesn't feed her puppies nehneh) to feed her puppies as usual, before I go for my shower.

After my shower and my just-started skincare regime (which is starting to irritate me because it is so ma fan) and my body lotion (am I getting too detailed here?), I snatched the CPU from my sis.

I logged on to facebook.

I saw my inbox with a (1) beside and clicked on it, expecting something nice to make my tired mundane day.

And I clicked on his prrrrrrrince-charrrrrming picture.

Click the image to enlarge.

At this point of time then I realised it was actually my sister's facebook account. I hollered for my sister and asked, "Do you know this freak?" She said no. And then I heck care and replied him despite her crazy nonstop "No no!!! Later he come kan meeeeeee."

*Yawns*

I'm tired.

Now you see it, now you don't.

2009-11-13T14:08:00.005+08:00

Thursday, November 12, 2009.
10.41am

- Silence -

Me: 输多少?
BM: *act blur* Hmm? $300 多lor.
(trying to sound as casual as he can)
Me: HUH!!? 你跟他们麻将可以麻到$300啊!?
BM: 哈哈~ 做莫不可以? Lilian 输$600多咯~
(trying to make the situation better by saying others lost even more)

- Silence -

Got home.

- Silence -

Took all the money from his wallet (and by all means, ALL, is only $60plus.)

- 5 minutes later -

Screaming our lungs out at each other.

BM: Cheebye~~ $300多而已!*note* 没有 por 的 lei 你.

- Ignores him by rustling for clothes in wardrobe -

BM: 你很怎样 lei~
Me: 什么~ 什么?! 怎样?
BM: 你觉得 lei?
Me: 怎样~ 怎样?! *getting really louder by this stage*
BM: 你看住我跟我讲lar!

- Ignores him and went for my shower -

Me (murmurs to ownself): 神经~ 吵架还要看住你 lei.

Friday, November 13, 2009.
12+ pm

- give him the receipt of Chloe's trip to the private clinic for her jabs which summed up to exactly $300plus -

BM: Waahhhhh...
Me: *ignores his "waaahhhh"* By明天给我 mother $ hor.
BM: 怎样给? 也要看 Raymond 有没有 $ 给我.
Me: $300 多而已已已~~~ *noted?*
BM: 而已?! $300 多你拿出来啦.
Me: Waahhhh... 你输$300++ 麻将叫而已, Chloe 的打针$300++ 就不叫而已. 你可以讲而已, 我就不可以讲而已?

Now you see it, now you don't.

New love!

2009-11-02T23:27:00.002+08:00

My deepest love got me my Blackberry (finally, after so many months)! No pictures though. Wait till i get my HTML for blogskins sorted out, I'd turn this web into an interesting one and publicise it.

Or anyone wanna volunteer? *grinsss*

....

2009-10-24T03:39:00.002+08:00

It was less than a year ago when my sister told me we would end up in a divorce few years down the road. That was when I was pregnant with Chloe for the 3rd month where friends and family were advising me to abort Chloe and not marrying you.

For the very first time in my life, it was you that my heart melted into the ground - I thought I found something true.
And everyone’s looking round, thinking I’m going crazy.
But I didn't care what they say, I’m in love with you.
They tried to pull me away, but they didn't know the truth.

Today, I'm here crying, on the verge of our marriage.

Was it because
I didn't want everyone (especially my father) to be right about us
Or was it because
I wanted Chloe to grow up in the best and healthy environment I could give
Or was it really because
I love you so much I couldn't let go.

NOT AGAIN

2009-10-15T17:24:00.003+08:00

Check out the date - 15th October; which means I've missed my ang for 2weeks now. Chloe is barely 4 months old!

I went for a checkup with Polo Bolo (Pauline, so many nicks of her confusing you?) at a random clinic at Jurong West area and I was awaiting the Doc to tell me, "Uh... So you're pregnant uh." yet again, thrice, within a year. But, bloody hell, he told me a half-fucked answer, "Maybeee" and charged me $51 consultation fee for that.

I'm asking DT to bring me for another checkup at Yishun this weekend.

To a***t or not?

When I'm trying to bring my life back on track after seemingly so long, and this ~~shit~~ happens.

How fertile, prolific and rich can my "eggs" go huh. It is really fucking demoralizing...

*prays*
*chants*
*hopes*
Polo Bolo will be a companion!
:x

Hur hur hur~

Noooooooooooooooo

2009-09-29T22:33:00.002+08:00

No, I don't want another baby this soon.

Please, whoever's up there, noooooooooooooooo.

On another different note, I'm fucking fuming now. Or rather (as the saying goes), sick and tired.

I so don't wanna believe in the saying, "100% of divorces begin with marriage."

Don't make me believe this, DT... because I'm starting to.

:(

2009-09-19T09:57:00.004+08:00

1st :(
Today's the 3rd day poor BB Chloe's down with fever and nonstop diarrhoea.

2nd :(
Flower arrangement courses sum up to a bloody 4figure sum?!

3rd :(
No signs of moolahs coming in in the near future (DT's hatching plans for me thou).

4th :(
Went to ask for my new house and HDB says there's no flats available, till 1st of Oct to double confirm. And DT's loan most probably won't be approved over pfftttt... CPF reasons (me not over 21 doesn't help things either)

5th :(
Life's becoming boring each day, with nothing I can do to spice it up and the disheartening thing is, my dreams seem further each day.

:( + :( + :( + :( + :( = :::::(((((

Dreamsss

2009-09-07T07:48:00.007+08:00

Yesterday; classified: loving

Began in a ultra big theater (more like a concert hall) with me and DT some sort of chilling away (not watching? I don't know why).

All of a sudden, I was outside with an unknown woman talking, then DT came out and joined in.

He did something which I can't remember or don't know (you know how dreams are) that pissed me off and I went inside of the theater without saying anything.

I walked through many steps and paths like a maze to find a seat, deliberately not going back to our seats and turned my cell to silent in case DT calls and find out where I was.

I saw DT came in shortly, probably sensed that I was pissed, then he called ONCE (ji tao reflecting the reality knn) and went out of the theatre, supposedly looking for me.

People around asked me not to be so cruel and go find him (don't know from where pop out so many friends).

One couple I knew whom I can't remember sent me in their car and went rounding the island (don't question on the island 'cos I don't know).

Then in the mid, they said they were hungry and wanna look for something to eat.

I rejected and was worried about DT (it was already dark).

Then we came to a road and saw DT riding a bicycle (got so pathetic not?).

I alighted beside and, again, the unknown woman alighted too, from the same car I was in (knn that bitch don't know from where pop out in the car one).

DT held on to her arm and I was pissed off (X2) again.

I walked to the corner of the road with him (I thought I was angry?!) and saw a beautiful seaside cafe.

He previously came to the cafe to find me but to naught, so he organised a some sort of dinner there, thinking I'd love it.

Then I bio the cafe's name...

"Oh, so it's Cafe Del'Mar", I said.
(wth?)

- Got woken up by DT's smelly and stupid dog banging the room door and couldn't get back to sleep aftermath #@$@^!@#... -

Just now; classified: betrayal and upset

I was wearing my panty (with pad somemore) on the massive huge bed that I couldn't see the corners when DT woke up.

2-3 other people were on the massiiive bed as well (all men, I suppose).

He woke up asking me some bo-link questions then realised I did something that betrayed him (you get the point).

Then we suddenly appeared at the entrance door and he was leaving.

I cried and begged for his forgiveness.

He said, "Once is enough, I can't take it twice." (since when got the twice?! so in my dreams, it WAS ALREADY twice)

I held onto his shirt and refused to let go.

Then my brain was planning how to beg more efficiently and decided to let him walk a distance first before I run out, deliberately without my slippers, to prove my sincerity (O.o?!?!).

Indeed, I let go and ran out without my slippers and cried even harder, head on his chest (DT got so tall meh?!), begging for him not to leave me (knn super dramatic).

He agreed.

Then I was back at the entrance door wearing my slippers.

He asked where was I going, and I replied to get some silence (when I was the one who betrayed him lar).

I walked down the streets, crying silently to myself, feeling darn guilt-stricken and considering about leaving DT for good.

Then all of a sudden, I appeared at a mediocre cafe cum food court, thinking of what to eat, but wasn't too hungry.

And decided on a char siew and veggie guo tiao, with gravy.
(wth, again?)

- Commercial break and woke up with DT sleeping soundly beside, snatching my pillow. Hugged him tightly and couldn't get back to sleep aftermath #@%!$#@%!... -

If I had a bad day

2009-08-31T06:06:00.003+08:00

My heart, Chloe, had just subside from her fever. Just watching her sound asleep is aching me. :(
- Had a rather major fight with DT. I kept quiet throughout when you were holling away because nothing I say will do any help. Whenever I talked to you about our problems and so, you were unhappy and arguments arise; so what for you keep wanting me to talk when I don't?
  
  At one point in one of our arguments, you told me not to care about your business and just tell you how much I need; now you scream and shout at me for not giving a damn to you, about your feelings, stress and everything. NOW, exactly what the fuck do you want?
  - It was just yesterday you said "我要跟你白头偕老";
    the sweetness was still lingering inside my heart.
    Yet today our marriage's going for the down-turn.

=(

2009-08-25T04:35:00.002+08:00

Fuck, (chloe says mommy shouldn't spat vulgarities, yet again) you guys don't know hooooooowwwwwww muuuuucccchhhhhhh I wish to get my...

- Laptop
- Cellphone
- Driving license

I'm going crazy soon, just thinking about these 3 things all day, even when I shit.

Sighhhhh....

My baby sis's 6!

2009-08-14T05:43:00.003+08:00

Happy 6th Birthday to my ever dearest thou mischievous lil' sister, Bibi!
I can always remember the first day I carried you back home, adding more laughters, happiness and irreplaceable precious memories to our warm family.

You're ever my baby sis, regardless 6, 16 or 60.

* Thou you won't even be reading this (Other than PSP, PlayStation, cellphone, TV and DVD, I can't remember what other electronics you know how to switch on AND other than words less than 8 alphabets that you know how to read), I still hope you know your big sister's love will never subside, even after precious Chloe arrived.

ღღღ

"Good ol' days", they always say.

2009-08-14T05:35:00.005+08:00

How much I would exchange just to bring me back to those days, even if it's just for a day.

...

2009-08-14T05:02:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, you made me feel guilty for thinking this way.
Yet other times, you made me feel I have to, for Chloe and myself.

It's hurting, Dear...

Sighhhh

2009-08-14T04:51:00.002+08:00

I'm banning black coffee for life. Haven't been to bed for over 36hours and yet I can't get to sleep; I under-estimated its super power. Nehneh~

My personal desires aside, I'm still broke. Yet I don't see any ideal job in my way in the near future possible. :( Definitely not excuses; I seriously wanna quit all these Katong trips. Once occassionally doesn't sound so bad; but definitely not when it's turning my life upside down and, worse still, depriving my time with my precious Poohpooh, and not forgetting... straining our relationship.

On my way, on my way!! Go, go, GO!
(All these self-talkings are making me going bonkers)

* Chloe's pictures still yet to be uploaded.

Zzz

2009-08-12T13:55:00.002+08:00

Chloe Tan's getting lovelier and pooh-ier each day. However, I haven't upload her pics.

Relationship with DT's getting more mundane.

Seriously in need of moolahs to save up for.

Craving for an overseas trip.

Sayonara.

My precious is finally here!

2009-07-04T16:32:00.004+08:00

*** Warning: This boring long detailed post is only for my future reference and memory.

26th June, Friday.

I was just going to KK for my usual checkup when the doc said I was having a lot of contractions, and the nurses were expecting me to be in pain when (other than baby's usual movements) I don't feel anything at all.

And so my doc admitted me reluctantly. For the second time, I went to the delivery suite, labour ward, when I feel nothing. Stayed till 11pm with the irritating drip, they shifted me to the normal ward, like the last time. I totally wanted to burn down KK at that point of time, admitting me for the 2nd time for nothing. Worse still, causing my discomfort and pain now and then.

I stayed up, waiting for the hours to past, hearing the cries of the baby from the next bed.

27th June, Saturday.

Then in the morning, the on-duty doc came to me and checked my bye-bye, causing me pain, yet again, saying my cervix is not open (I knew that) but recommend I induce the birth because baby's heartbeat is suspicious with all the regular contractions and would rather be given birth than staying inside me. I was thinking to hell, since I'm already here in the hospital for nothing, then just induce.

So I was shifted to the labour room again, to have the tablet put inside me at around noon time, rather painfully 3/10, because it had to be inserted deep.

Was then shifted up to the normal ward again, to wait for my next tablet when the time's up.

Then at around 8pm, another on-duty doc woke me up and asked me to shift to the labour room as she's expecting I'm having my contractions pain.

I went to the toilet before I couldn't due to the drip first and realised a lil' stream of blood. The nurses asked for my husband, and I called DT to tell him I saw blood. He rushed down at around 9pm and I could finally feel the slight contraction pains. The nurse asked if I wanted the pain-relief jab at my thigh when I was breathing the "laughing gas". I called mom, she said okay and I went with it. The effectiveness was only around 50% thou. I sucked on a grape-flavoured lolipop and waited.

28th June, Sunday.

At around midnight to 1am, my water bag finally bursted when the doc "orh-ed" my byebye again.

I tolerated the pain as it got more and more intense, contractions pain occurrence ranging for 1min to 5mins, until around 4am, I kept crying and moaning in pain for DT (playing DS on the couch beside $%@!%^), and all he did was keep stuffing the gas mask to my face and say, "xi da da li, xi da da li". When I pushed the mask away and screamed that the bloody gas ain't working, he kept repeating, "dear, wo zhi dao ni xing de." nonchantly for like 29374983572 times. I felt like slapping him and just cried out in pain. Till I tabolek-tahan, I asked for the epidural jab which I was determined not to take in the first place.

The doc took like don't know how long to come to me with the jab and still passed the 2page-long paper to me and asked me read all the side-effects, then explain everything, sign and all, while I was in intense pain lar. The nurse kept asking me I keep feel the wanna-pang-sai pain huh. I felt like kicking her and tell her it was far more than that lar, simi pang sai.

The evil yet powerful jab was 99% effective, I tell you. I fell into sleep 5mins after the jab, until 8am, the nurses came in. I asked to add medicine to the numbness, and she checked that I was only 5cm dilated, so the doc went ahead. Then another doc came in 5mins later and checked that I was actually already 9cm dilated. 3 docs came in and said they'll be delivering my baby.

At 9am, a nurse came in and casually said, "Can see head already. Come come, can push already." At that point of time, I don't feel any slight pain at all. And I pushed for less than 10mins, my baby is out with splashes of blood.

When I heard her first cry, it was absolutely amazing; tio toto also can't compare (thou I never tio before). She was borned at 9.08am, weighing at 3010grams.

Another nerdy doc came in, stitched my byebye for 30mins and I was transferred back to the normal ward. Then DT told me the nurse actually got cut my byebye before baby's head came out. I was like, "huh? Naohia~ then she need to cut so big or not?"

DT's parents came, then Bao and Wen, then my mom, sis and bro.

29th June, Monday.

Discharged from silly hospital.

- (STILL) Recovering from bloody stitches after 1week -

%$@#$#*%!...

Haven't decide on precious' name.

Sigh.

Love her~ (:

P.S.: Not forgetting I walk like a retarded slow duck.

Pet Society

2009-05-03T21:48:00.004+08:00

Does anyone know how to delete a pet?

I'm getting so irritated by this application in facebook. I was creating this pet by first typing its name, Baby, and clicked 'OK'. Then it deemed as OK for the pet, including its appearance. And I'm ended up with this ugly blue monster.

Look at its bloody bunch of "cu-mo" (curly hair) on its forehead. And its stupid dead-fish-looking eyes. And its I'm-so-innocent-don't-kill-me eyebrow. And its eeeeeeeenormous nostrils. And its half-fuck mouth.

I deleted the whole application from my profile, and joined back, hoping not to see this blueM again.. but hooray, this thick-skin is still there, now even telling me that it won a 50coins lottery.

Ta ma de, someone, please slap this ugly monster.

2 more I'm-So-Fat months to go

2009-05-03T21:10:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling so out-of-breath these days for no reason. And this lil' thing inside me is like trying her very best in a competition to burst my tummy skin, which doesn't help things at all. Ugh...

The bigger she gets, the more scared I am... that she will expand my c***b** (no vulgarities for age under 0) kang to its largest and pain me like hell.

On a totally different note, there's this crazy uncle came up to me last night outside Raymond's shop at Jurong while I was in DT's car and said, "Ah mui, go where, Ah mui?" I almost asked him to shut up but continued with my PSP game. Then he left without getting a response from me and stepped 2-3 steps away and suddenly sang a hindu/malay or whatever song, aloud.

Nao hia~ Scared my baby. Jurong is full of crazy people. No wonder luo bao ling stays there. Lol.

Princess evolve

2009-04-15T15:52:00.009+08:00

Look at all these beautiful baby stuffs!

Pink baby bag to put all her nappies, milk and all that I won't mind carrying around without looking like a total ah soh mom.

Pink baby bath set!

Lovely baby bibs instead of white boring napkins during milk time!

Beautiful baby bodysuits!

Awwww~ look at those cute pacifiers that look like candies!

Pauline a.k.a. LBL a.k.a. da bao a.k.a. lian rong bao a.k.a. ah bao a.k.a. ball ball a.k.a. kou rou bao a.k.a. whatever-bao (am i long-winded or is it ah pau got too many names) said the baby trolley from maclaren is quite reputable compared to other brands, but I've been looking around maclaren's baby trolleys and they're all in dull colours and look very uninteresting UNTIL I saw this baby trolley created by Juicy Couture and Maclaren!

It stated "The princess' new wheels: Juicy Couture has teamed up with Maclaren to create a stroller fit for royalty. "

Wow... I'm so gonna evolve my lil' baby girl into a beautiful pink ~~freak~~ royalty princess like how a pikachu evolves into a raichu. I'm imagining the evolving...

The price comes up to a whopping $570, shipping cost not included.

Hell.

David Tan Tortoise said I'm crazy and refused to give me the money for it.
To hell with him, malaysian ah beng won't understand the royalty in it. Haha.

And...

2009-04-02T21:12:00.003+08:00

Happy 18th Birthday to Jessica Ser!

Don't have to borrow IC from me to watch M18 shows already. Haha.

P.S.: God.. My 18th birthday chalet seems like it was only last week.

"Cibai"

2009-04-02T19:55:00.011+08:00

Haven't been hogging the net for quite some time already. I don't even give a hoot to my friendster and facebook anymore, never mind this dust-covered blog. I'm here because I'm over at DT's shop and I have nothing else to do and also mainly to find suppliers online. Yes, I plan to rent a pushcart shop.

Anyway, I'm not going into detail as it's still ongoing, without any confirmation.

BUT, I logged in friendster after 92734861 long years and browsed through my photos. Then I saw this person by the friendster name, suki dayo, commented on my photo.

This Xiao Jap cutie suki said, "Suck!! ur rather good FRienDS FAce likE Cibai~ PLs Dont ShoW la~ Macam Anjing kuRAP~"

Okay, I know Mingyang's face looks like he's pouting with a very black and high dragonball-alike hair due to the photo edit.

So, I clicked on her lil' picture beside the comment which looked like 2 round meatballs with 1 resembling a bumble fly.

So let's, in return, see how sexy, gorgeous and un-CIBAI our japanese suki dayo looked like.

Chio not?

Nao hiaaaa~~~

Update: I checked out her comments and saw Mingyang (my friend in the photo) commented on her every single photo (okay, she only got 5).

"muka majiam cb still wear sunglass puki ma."
"fuck face knn, lu face majiam dog.. pls don upload ur photo pls,, sibeh knn"
"why side view onli ? too fat??"
"cb lu act cute ar?? fuck la not cute ad all .. majiam cb muka"
"cb u so fat still wanna upload ?? fuck la delete ur frenster pls.. ppl use frenster for pretty gal, cb ur face like fuck .."

..........

Happy 2009

2009-01-01T13:46:00.002+08:00

Crap.

Since after I left Illuzion, I restricted my life to just DT and home. My life's practically revolving around him and for him. Everyday I wait at home for him to return from work, then sometimes we will have dinner together. On rarer occasions, we will catch a movie. Other than that, we turn in early. And when we wake up, the cycle goes on. Wait, ate, slept, get frustrated, wait, ate, slept, get frustrated, multiplied by seven more times and to be multiplied by a million more weeks in my life. My future looks bleak.

Sometimes I get really frustrated over him for being so insensitive and inconsiderate.
Sometimes I get really angry over myself for being so uptight and negative.
Sometimes I just hate myself for turning into such a complete bore; that's why I've been avoiding gatherings with lots of people, fun and laughter. On times when I really got dragged into one of this unwillingly, I stayed for less than an hour and made my excuse to leave because they always remind me of how boring I've became.

What a great welcome for 2009.
Off to think of great ways to bite off everyone else's head (especially DT) and commit suicide...

Dilemma

2008-11-23T15:39:00.003+08:00

Has been quite a while since I blogged. Things changed; not tremendously, but dramatically.

- I left Illuzion, after coming to 3years, on the 31st Oct.

I didn't see it coming. Anyway, DT didn't like it and he's right, I couldn't stay on for long - don't even mention forever.

- We're having a fight, once again, after quite some time.

Instead of the usual screaming-our-heads-off fight, it was a rather calming and quiet one. Maybe the way we argue doesn't matter; the thing that matter was.. are our hearts even in the argument? Or rather we just quarrel for the sake of quarrelling Or even, do we still trust this relationship. I can't bring myself nor could I think anymore. It's a void with a lingering bout of heartaches and chills.

I have way many other more stuffs to think and settle. I need a life, and at the same time, I need a break.. emotionally.

我怀念的

2008-08-24T15:40:00.001+08:00

我问为什么
那女孩传简讯给我
而你为什么
不解释低着头沉默
我该相信你很爱我
不愿意敷衍我
还是明白
你已不想挽回什么

想问为什么
我不再是你的快乐
可是为什么
却苦笑说我都懂了
自尊常常将人拖着
把爱都走曲折
假装了解是怕
真相太赤裸裸
狼狈比失去难受

我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦
我怀念的是争吵以后
还是想要爱你的冲动

我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手
最暖的胸口
谁记得
谁忘了

我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动
求我原谅抱得我都痛

我记得你在背后
也记得我颤抖着
记得感觉汹涌
最美的烟火
最长的相拥
谁爱得太自由
谁过头太远了
谁要走我的心
谁忘了那就是承诺

谁自顾自地走
谁忘了看着我
谁让爱变沉重
谁忘了要给你温柔

我放手
我让座
假洒脱
谁懂我多么不舍得

太爱了
所以我
没有哭
没有说

I loved this song not because you said a sentence of it resembled us.
I loved this song because it reminded me of the times at Dragonfly when you were still going after me;
times when you were there by my side whenever you were needed or not;
times when you stood by me no matter how I screamed and shoved you away regardless of the repeated times I lied and let you down;
times when you stood up for me when I got taken advantage of;
times when you never gave me up for anything;
times when you gave me the security, care and love even when I took everything of you for granted;
times when I fell in love with you.

Where have those feelings gone to?
Where have those moments we used to share gone to?
Where have "you" I used to know and love gone to?

N-O.

2008-08-23T22:34:00.002+08:00

I'm not getting married in the near future... until my life's back on track and until he gets stabilise and is able to give me what I want in life.

...

2008-08-19T18:56:00.003+08:00

~~P.S.: I hope nobody reads my blog already...~~ I think I've got myself in some deep shit...

My deepest love

2008-05-06T10:49:00.004+08:00

We knew each other since the beginning of year 2006, but we didn't talk much; I was then closer to your brother. When we do, it's only casual remarks. (I still remember the times when you commented on my 'tiger tooth', saying no wonder I'm so fierce.)

It went on for nearly 2 years to the night where we got closer on a drunk night when I broke up with my then boyfriend, AC, on the 13th of September 2007.

I couldn't remember why I went to Dragonfly with you, and neither could you. I was upset and got drunk that night. You said you were drunk as well and I ended up waking up to your place. Despite my drunkard state, I could still remember what happened. We got intimate but only cuddled to sleep. Hurriedly, I left your place and hoped you won't remember the previous night, but you gave me a message in the afternoon.

"why leave never wake me up :)"

We went out and so on, frequenting Dragonfly a lot. I didn't have the slightest feel for you that time, and I was still thinking about my ex then. In fact, I kept in contact with you because I felt that getting into Dragonfly with you was so much easier.

You took your pen and signed on my palm on the 2nd anniversary of Illuzion, 1st of October 2007. You said from then onwards, I belong to only you.

I never confirmed my feelings for you and neither did you ask. I guess you knew I was still thinking about my ex, but you never question. You just stood by me whenever I needed someone. You gave me your hand, but let me decide when to reach. You always let me be me. And I took all of that for granted.

You gave me a necklace for Christmas and insisted I always wear it, but I never take your words for real and often take it off and put on my chunky ones instead.

On the New Year Eve night at Illuzion. I got taken advantage, you stood up and I could see your rage. From that night, people come up to me telling me how you tried to protect me and how you cared.

Gradually, as time passed by, I began to rely a lot on you.

I remembered you were there on my 18th birthday, running here and there with the chores without any complain, despite my coldness towards you, neglecting you with my friends.

You never leave me no matter how I shouted, screamed, kicked and slapped you when I got drunk. You were always there for me, no matter what, making sure I'm safe and sound.

Until on the Saturday night, 3rd of May 2008, you said you were going to Malaysia to help get your mom her medicine. So you went ahead after sending me to Illuzion. You stayed for awhile at Illuzion and I ignored you that night, closing the door behind me without even saying goodbye when you said you were leaving. You left and I never ever thought that would be the last time I will be seeing you. On the very night, at 11pm+, your friend, Jon, was asking for you. So I texted you.

"whr u?"

No respond.

Called you.

No respond.

I felt really sick after rounds of alcohol that night and slept in the storeroom. When I got up, it was around 3am. I called again. Your handphone was off. I thought you might be asleep. Annoyed, I sms-ed you, warning you never to go to bed without a word. I asked Wendy to ring up your brother to ask for you and he said he do not know where you are, which means you were not at home. I got angry and sms-ed you telling you never to let me see you again. Haze and Wendy got kind of worried for me, and asked me to go home with them, refusing to let me be alone. I insisted that I will be okay and went home alone.
When I got home at around 4am, I called on you again. Surprisingly, it went through and you did not answer the call. At around 5am, I called, yet again - your cell was off again. I kept thinking and got worried.
I kept awake until daybreak. You replied at 8am+.

"Dear sorry see you in the afternoon k"

Which supposedly we were to spend our 7th month anni. I was pissed and ignored your message.

I woke up at 8pm+, but you weren't beside me in bed. I asked my mom and brother if you came. They said no. This time I got really angry yet puzzled. I didn't know what happened to you.

I used my house phone to call you if your phone is on. Someone picked up, which I don't think is you. I hung up and sms-ed you much later in the night.

"i don't know what the fuck u've been doing, but well, since that's the case, so be it. i won't ask u to call me 'cos i don't wanna kup your phone. enjoy."

You didn't get back to me.

The next day, Wendy called me and told me you went on the casino ship that Saturday night. Johnathan said you tried to borrow money from David Phang. I thought you might be avoiding me because you didn't want me to know.

You disappeared all of a sudden for days and I had to hear about you from other people.

I sensed something wrong because you would never do this to me.

I called and sms-ed you continuously.

Until this morning, I sms-ed you I trusted and loved the wrong person and you were such a great disappointment. I said I won't be bothering you anymore and gave you my regards.

You replied.

"Sorry u are right i'm not a guy to be depend on but i really love u. I'll remember the moments we had together i'm really sorry take care"

The only respond I got from you was this. My heart literally soured upon seeing this message. Without me knowing, tears instantly formed. I didn't see it coming, it hit me really hard.

We had so many arguments and quarrels, regardless severe or minor, but we were still together, still strongly bond.

Why did you even hold on to this damn relationship in the first place when you intended to chuck away just like that? I couldn't understand why.

We ended as abruptly as we started.

First, you stood by me no matter how I disappointed you, how I shoved you away, no matter what. Then you made me trust, rely and love you.
Now you throw me aside and leave me crying behind.

Goodbye, David Tan.

Not Dead

2008-01-29T02:02:00.000+08:00

I think there's probably 2 or 3 people left reading my blog.

My usual desktop computer had been encountering problems, (pongpong again) plus the thing that I haven't even got enough time for sleep.

I'm using this lappie my mom just got, which explains there are no photos, etc. Anyway, many things happened I don't know where to start with.

Remember the N95 8GB I just bought last month? I lost it, yes, for the 4th time in 2months. Thing is, I don't feel anything to have lost so many phones already.
This is counted as one of the many trivial stuffs.

Not gonna make regarding anything personal public.

Will be back.

IT Show

2007-12-31T14:59:00.000+08:00

Expired photos; modeling for Packard Bell at an IT show at Singapore Expo around a month ago.

Don't really like them a lot as I've been complaining and grumbling I look fat and all that day.

Bounced into quite a number of people there, and sarcasm's in the air --
"Wah, upgrade from alcohol to laptop."
"So tough ah. Day model, night drink."
"So funny to see you here, instead of Illuzion."

3, striked.

2007-12-28T15:29:00.000+08:00

• ~~Remake of IC~~
• ~~Collect results~~
• Take up driving lessons
• ~~New cellphone~~
• Surg.
• Invisalign
• Trip to hair salon

Went down to Tampines Mall to get my new cellphone first (In case you guys don't know, I lost 2 phones in a month). LG KU990 Viewty and Nokia N95 8GB got me into a fix.

And I got this after all.

Shortly after I bought it, I lost the current phone I was using. Yes, again, for the fucking 3rd time in a month. Plus and minus, from 1st Dec, I changed from LG Prada to Nokia 6120 Classic to don'tknowwhatphone to N95 8GB.

People's comments range from "Next time you go dragonfly, tell me. I'd follow behind you." to "Lemme know when you're going fly, I help keep your phone for $2/hr." to "You take those FOC handphone lah." (that's mom)

Anyway, next stop, Lavendar.

I actually intended to go to Bukit Batok Driving Center to take the photo as I heard they take quality photos there, but on second thoughts, it's kinda crazy.

This was my first attempt.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

(in mandarin)
Mom: Eeeee! Why so fat one?
me * ...... *
me: What fat?! You give birth one lah.

2nd attempt

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Jason: Wah... Gorgeous gorgeous.
me * -.- * glares...
Mom: Ok what. Nice nice.
me * .........

Next, Cityhall.

On the midway, the squeezy train was stucked in the middle of Lavendar and Bugis for like 15mins. And just when my patience was running out and comtemplating to press the $5000-fine-for-misuse button, the train moved on to Bugis, and just when everyone is squeezing their way out, one woman passed me by and whispered someone is taking my photos.

O.o? Huh?Then I realised I was diao-ing everyone nearby, especially the colour chocolate (bangalahs).

Whatever it is, my results was exactly just like what I expected. Among 6subjects, I passed one, the only one which I passed up.

I'm going back to school in April for higher dip, and at the same time, re-take my diploma cert, which means I have to work doubly haaarrrrd.

Wait, I realised I didn't mention about my X'mas eve at Illuzion. I remember I had a total merriment one last year, but this year... no, don't get the wrong idea. It was fun, but I can't really remember; dead drunk.

18th Birthday

2007-12-21T14:38:00.000+08:00

I've got nothing interesting to blog recently. Or rather I'm too lazy to do so.

I just have a handful of photos during my birthday at chalet, but I can't post all of them up because while I was just browsing through them, my mom slapped, whacked, pinched me and laughed hysterically from behind when she encounter some of her unglam ones (I don't understand why her unglam photos are a must for every and any occasion). So there.

Ugly photo of my nails. Bobian, I only have this one. Come to think of it, I did this for like a total of 5plus coming to 6 hours. The first half of the time was sitting and waiting for my sis to do hers, and by the time mine was done, it was past midnight at FarEast Plaza.

First coming up...

My Dcup bootylicious cake.
(David Phang claimed no one would wanna take the lower triangle part of the cake)

Caught on cam, attempting to scratch armpit.
Kidding. Haha.

Family shot.

Self shot.

Okay, I'm starting to get restless here.
Yes, 18th Birthday, indeed. Doesn't sound as majestic and big as it seemed.

To be continued...

Notice

2007-12-14T10:01:00.001+08:00

I'm having a birthday celebration at Island Resort at East Coast Park on the 16th, 17th and 18th.

Actual celebration would be on the 16th night.

Parties who are interested can drop me a call/message.

:)

P.S.: I don't mind if you come down with a mercedes SLK. :D

TWR

2007-12-14T09:38:00.000+08:00

I took a quiz and was dumbfounded by the result.

The Wild Rose
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLD)

Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

"Xim Tia"

2007-11-20T20:21:00.000+08:00

A couple of months ago, I've been in the blogging critic. But obviously, I've been out of that space these days.

Anyway, accompanied Jess to town to get her prom night dress yesterday. Can't be bothered to take the pictures of every single stuff bought.

(I hate the way I blog!)

Whatever it is, at the end of the day, the damage was more than SGD$1700.

.............

....

Another thing, I finally had my haircut and dye... a few weeks ago. So it may not be that obvious now.

Okay, I just got a call from work. Bye.

Overdue-d

2007-10-30T10:57:00.000+08:00

Note: This entry is overdue and was found rotting in the drafts till now.

I've decided to cut down on boozing, and I failed miserably on the first night of mission - last night, Monday. Illuzion followed by Icon Bar at Shenton way then to Xin Tian Di (I forgot if it's the right name) then final stop, Dragonfly.

Tmd.

Random pics at Dfly:

Many people had been pointing out that I've grown fat, all of a sudden these few weeks. I don't know what's wrong because I can eat, shit and sleep everyday and still am a stick in the past.

Tmd, for the second time.

I'm contemplating going for liposuction, but I'm afraid of needles, never mind the thing that it's a mega huge one they are using, I heard.

Tmd, for the third.

My dad had been harping on getting a dog for a decade and it's only now he fulfilled it -- he brought a puppy back few weeks ago.

My new love.
All white, bear-tiger-alike face.
Not yet named (she reminds me of Simba, but come to think of it, Simba's a male). So I call her Baby.

I'm bringing ~~Simba~~Baby to the vet for her injection this Saturday. (:

Random

2007-10-14T21:04:00.000+08:00

I haven't been turning on the com for weeks. My life had been revolving around Illuzion, Dragonfly and random outings.

You might remember about my school - I'm totally lost. My Advertising, EDTP (Editing and Desktop Publishing) and UMM (Use of Multimedia) lecturers are all looking for me, PR's (Public Relations) deadline will be dued soon, and the mock exam for FOM (Fundamentals of Marketing) is coming up next week... which I haven't got the faintest idea of.

Shit... is all I can say. Never mind.

***

I lost all contacts and had changed to the LGprada cellphone. Long story. Summary of the reason is, my cell got rammed over by a gigantic lorry. Don't laugh 'cos you should've seen how I flared up and the way I grimaced and ignored everyone that stupid day.

***

I have pictures on hand, but I'm lazy to plug in the cable and transfer 'em. So I will hold on to that.
***

I'm so into the song -我知道- these days.

***

Anyway, I'm just here to keep you guys informed that I'm still kicking alive.

Another pixilated night

2007-09-30T18:40:00.000+08:00

Dragonfly.

PP laughed his ass off for 78times at this picture:

He exclaimed it's the Pikachu on the left. You should've seen how they squeezed and squashed me, all of a sudden at the last minute the photo was taken. Especially the Pikachu; he just came running and bounced off my lap.

Yet again, another fuddled night.

*******************

One idiot spoilt my picture:

*******************

Illuzion's 2nd year anniversary tomorrow.
As clichèd as it is, time flies.

*******************

(There's no meaning in this post. I just feel like blogging suddenly.)

"TGIF"

2007-09-28T16:24:00.000+08:00

The list is sorted according from the most affecting and bothering to the least:

• Fuckedup news
• Neck discomfort
• Period cramps
• Nose block
• Sore throat
• Com crash/virus

What else?
Not anyday, but on a Friday.

Lemme be a spoilt bitch for 10mins by ranting.
From the very bottom...

Com crash/virus

Due to my lovely PP, my CPU had been encountering problems and reformatted for the fucking 3rd time in a week. Messages, pictures, videos could not be recovered. But, never mind, with loss comes a fresh start. BUT then again, I don't know he accepted what virus via MSN. So guys in my MSN list, you should know.
Come to the thought of it, when some people go, "eh, can send again?", I can't stop myself and say, "Okok. Wait." Especially Ronald. Wahaha.
Anyway, as I've sorted, it's the least bothering. So I shall skip that.

Sore throat

It was after 2 glasses of Chivas (yes, of all but the smelly and disgusting liquid), neat, on Wednesday night.

Nose block

Without a night of blanket.

Period cramps

I wonder why it must pick Friday. Anyway, it was a sign of the end. Not gonna lucubrate further.

Neck discomfort

I don't know how I slept last night, but what I know is that whenever I turn my head, the pain is not intolerable but will fucking piss me off. So I may be a bit more hostile tonight (if you are one of those people who go rolling your eyeballs, saying "You already are usually." Well, you can take it as 10times more if that makes you happy.)

Fuckedup news

P&C. But... what I can divulge is, I was totally taken aback by the interesting news, feeling disgusted and a complete turnoff. I thought over it, and a feeling suddenly hit me on my head, hard, and voila! -- I'm Linda again. I guess it's a good thing at this point of time.

What a lovely Friday to start with. Okay, let's see what else is on for me in the later part of the night.

Drama

2007-09-24T15:03:00.000+08:00

Okay, I know my blog is starting to transform into something melancholic and dull. I don't want go ranting about AC everytime I talk.

BUT... other than him, I've been thinking about nothing these days. Like when I'm alone taking the train back home, I can go in a daze, mind occupied till the time when the train came to a stop at Pasir Ris, totally quiet and emptied, then will I come back to reality and take the opposite train back to Tampines. Another more extravagant example will be the bus - I took the bus 291, missing my stop is usual, but I actually took the bus one round and back to the interchange. When I realised that, I actually feel sad, not over him, but for myself. I've got myself into this shit mess.

Okay, it sounds really dramatic and stupid, but it's true.
Nevertheless, things are taking up now. Anyway, Going ga-ga over some male specie is so not me, and I will not let that fact change for him either.

你有自由走，我有自由好好过。

Emo-tions

2007-09-24T14:34:00.000+08:00

After the night you said "Ok Bye", it has been around 2weeks now. Except for the drunk nights, I must say I fared and carried myself pretty well.

I saw AC at fly on last Friday night. Because Felicia have the same clique of friends as AC, I was at his table for awhile. We were total strangers, if you were some bystander, you wouldn't have the faintest idea we know each other, much less we were once an item... once doesn't sound right. When our eyes met, I turned and left. It was really awkward. We shouldn't be behaving this way.

All the time in my life, I've always think that I'm invulnerable and strong till the state whereby I have a 'mood-setter'. In other words, if I want myself to be happy at a certain point when a normal being should be feeling upset or something, I can (and it's definitely not that I'm putting on a tough look but actually breaking down inside kind of thing). And that's for emotions, not fatigueness, etc. So don't expect me to keep awake for 3 nights and yet feel energetic that I can wrestle with 3 pigs. I'm no superwoman.

I was discussing this with Jason after that fateful night, about a week ago, and he said, "So you mean when you're actually sad, you act one lah." Okay, he got a point here. Probably at times I let emotions overcome me, and forgot the fact that I should be strong.
Anyway, grieving is part of helping myself.

Whatever it is, I believe I will get over this in no time... Just because I am myself.

Nabeh

2007-09-19T00:03:00.000+08:00

Let's kiss our dearest Pongpong's ass a million thanks, for crashing my cpu.

I've slammed my keyboard for 5985times, screamed my lungs out for 6988times and cursed for 9042times.

Okay, going on about it is not gonna aid anything.

Anyway, I've been keeping myself busy lately with school, Illuzion, Fly, PSP and other misc stuffs. Case in point: I've been re-reading my storybook for 2years now, and I haven't reach the epilogue because I always stop in the mid over certain reasons and when I wanted to get back to it, I forgets the story before that, and thus I need to re-read (Okay, this sentence is getting long).

Whatever it is, I have nothing to show now - no pictures nor videos. And it all boils down to... Alright, I said I wouldn't go on about it.

This is definitely not my night (now, my cigs are nowhere to be found). I can't imagine if I went to Fly. My heels will maybe break or pants will probably burst or something.

Okay, I'm going back to my PSP (I need to water my plants and kiss my Tigger goodnight).

Au Revoir

2007-09-13T18:31:00.001+08:00

Dream's over;

time to move on.

♥

A.C.

Never Be Replaced

2007-09-13T18:25:00.001+08:00

♥

Stupid

2007-09-06T15:32:00.000+08:00

I woke up at 7am (never mind the fact that I actually slept for no more than 3hours the previous night) for school which ended at 4.30pm. And then I received a message from Fel at 5plus, asking if I could work that night. As usual, I pushed away all my stuffs and said okay, ignoring the fact that I am actually kind of tired and fagged out.

Then, I had drinks as per normal and was having this splitting headache at 10 to 11plus pm. I so much wanted to go home but persisted, but until 2am, I went to Dragonfly. I know I know, it's always like this.

Fly was actually a lil' more boring than usual (maybe because I wasn't drunk, not even high).
A while later, Fel asked me to accompany her to 97, and I went.

We got on this cab, and the two of them (Haze and Fel) was like acting drunk inside the cab and saying stupid things (okay, I actually sounded more like a drunkard inside the cab, shouting and all. but that was because the two don'tknowdrunkornot-s pek-ed me)

Then when I was outside 97, I realised my cell wasn't with me (yay~). Haze called for like 5ormore times, and the line was rejected all the while (double yay~). Until when this man picked up...

me: "Hello? 你是cabuncle, huh?"
CU (cabuncle): "不是, 我是外星人."
me: "Huh? Simi 外星人?!"
*I turn to Haze*
me: "knn. 这个神精病以为自己很好笑lor."
*Haze took over the line*
Haze: "Hello? 你是谁?"
CU: *said something I don't know*
Haze: "我是电话的主人. 你不要一直问我是谁, 可以吗?"
*they talked for quite awhile regarding "你是谁"topic*
*Michelle (another girl at 97) took over*
.
.
blah
.
.
*Fel took over*
.
.
blah
.
.

when Fel and Michelle went down to get my phone, the uncle asked for S$10 from them.

Okay, you guys might think that he's already good enough to return my cell, but I just feel like using pineapple to fuck his ass. Plus, I was already not feeling good, physically and emotionally, at that point of time.

Skipping the whole procedure in 97, when we were about to leave, Michelle was drunk and dillydallying. I was already very fedup and told Fel I'm leaving. She said to go home together. So I said okay. Haze was drunk as well, and I don't think Fel was in any sober state.

After a while, I was getting kind of impatient, raised my voice quite a abit and left. After Fel called out to me for more than a couple of times, I turned back and literally plop on the sofa, lying there, (I was just showing my displeasure and vexation) dead. Then Haze pulled me up, sat behind me, with her legs opened wide, hugging mine while Michelle came sitting on my lap, facing me (it was really obscene) and because she was drunk, she slipped and landed on my pointed heels. And she happily, in a besotted state, exclaimed 'hurhurha~ 你不要"doo"我的cb.' aloud.
-_-"

While I went outside 97 to pick up a call, people had a commotion and fight at the entrance. I ignored, until this dontknowwho came running to me and said Fel was hit and lying on the floor. I rushed over and saw Michelle lying there instead. Her friends said they're sending her to the hospital.

I don't even know if it was for real or what. Before you think I'm fuckedup, Michelle mentioned to me earlier on she wanna act drunk to get the guy she like to quarrel with his wife. Complicating. Never mind.

Thing is, the fight wasn't even a slight of their business. I don't know why they have to get involved. Angrily, I left.

Plus, I'm feeling really unhappy with A.C. for his nonchalant YET distrust in me.

Point of this composition? - I had a stupid Wednesday night.

Now, I'm irritated by these two younger monkeys in the house and I'm not coming back until I feel any better.

TGIF

2007-08-31T14:31:00.000+08:00

It's TGIF, and finally I've got my off after god-knows-how-long.

Irritants

2007-08-14T19:12:00.000+08:00

Where: Outside Illuzion
When: Last night
What: Discussion
Why: Boliao
How: Joined me and Wendy for smoking

*mid-halfway of wendy and my conversation*
IC (IlluzionCustomer): "Wah... If she's more gentle, then swee liao lah."
Wendy: "Hurhur. No leh, she's only loud and violent when she's drunk."
*me -_-"*
IC: "No leh. She's loud on usual, but extremely louder when she's drunk."
*me -____-"*
IC: "Nonono... She's loud to boys but soft to girls."
Wendy: "Hurhurhur."
IC: "you 玩豆腐(tofu) one huh?"
Wendy: "Hurhurhurhur."
me: "simi 玩豆腐?"
Wendy: "Don't know leh."
me: "Don't know, you still laugh."
Wendy: "Wonderful, huh?"
me: "...."
IC: "玩豆腐 you all don't know? lesbian lah."
Wendy and me: "......."

It's definitely not the first time when someone comes up to me, telling me how perfect I will be if I'm a bit more demure and girly, etc etc.

Sometimes I even have violent people telling me I'm violent. What the hell? It's like I kena point finger for being stupid by a pig. Eh? Wait. I remember reading about pigs that they are actually smart creatures the last time I went to the zoo with Jason, BB and PP.

Okay, never mind about that. You get my point.

It's like people telling you if your armpit hair is pink in colour, it will be sexier (don't tell me you're gonna dye it, freako). I mean, that's just me lah.

Irritating.

Bibi is My Retard

2007-08-13T10:59:00.000+08:00

My mom cheated me to bring Bibi (BB) and Pongpong (PP) out by telling me they are going to a some sort of funeral at 7-8plus at night.

I must say I don't really mind bringing 'em out with me, but why must she always inform me stuffs like that at the very last min, huh? And I've gotta cancel all my stuffs.

If I kpkb and reject her, she will go like "what? you businesswoman, very busy is it?" or "wings hard, can fly already hor?" etc. Ridiculous.

Okay, don't spoil her wonderwoman reputation. Anyway, I happened to promise AlanChong I would go out with him that night. And plus the thing that he already took leave from work. So I can't find enough reason to dua him.

My mom followed me downstairs to checkout this lad who is bringing 3/4 of her monkeys' population out. And I excused myself to the entrance of the carpark by telling her AlanC. won't be this soon, and that I'm bringing them elsewhere first. As usual, she tailed me. Funny thing is, she will hide in corners, like behind the trees.

I don't know did she over-estimated the tree or under-estimated her size.

Point is, she deemed every of my friends as evil devils, except for oeynala.

Wth.

Nevermind, let's move on.

We went to Bugis for SakaeSushi and then over to AlanC.'s pub at Duxton to pray&burn etc for the hungry ghost festival. It was boring, but exciting for BB I tell you. I nua-ed (when I say nua, I mean really nuuaaa) inside the car from 11pm to coming to 1am. Don't ask me where I gathered all those patience, I'm wondering why myself.

Oh, I said it was exciting for Bibi because she stayed hyper and awake all the while, with the bartenders and managers (NOTE: all males) all entertaining her.

Especially Kuku Korkor (she called him).

I was glad, in fact, for him to bring BB out of the car, so she could stop pestering me on how to jump over the monsters in the game in my cellphone. It was until that two idiots hop into the car and began squabbling.

kuku: "你几岁？"
bibi: "diam diam lah."
kuku: "wah..."
*PP laughing in the background*
kuku: "我买给你的bearbear leh?"
bibi: "diam diam lah."
*no reply from kuku*
bibi: "你生气meh?"
kuku: "你会怕我生气meh?"
bibi: "diam diam lah."
kuku: "除了diamdiam, 你还会说什么?"
bibi: "你神经病，我不要跟你讲话。"
kuku: "为什么不要跟我讲话？"
*dee siao each other*
kuku: "你有没有男朋友?"
bibi: "diam diam lah!"

I swear I couldn't tahan the two idiots squabbling and I was transparent when I asked everybody to shut up.

I realised I don't wanna continue anymore and because my mom's cooking is tempting me.