Smiling to herself as she sat at the table waiting for him to bring back the drinks. She relaxed back in her chair and gazed out of the window to the cold June day that caused the trees to dance wildy in the wind. She thought about what she had learned, who she once was and who she had now become. She now had a job that she loved, wonderful people whom she knew so true and felt confident within herself to reach for what she wanted.
She was a woman who made mistakes, who sometimes cried on a Monday morning or at night alone in bed. She was a woman who often became bored with her life and found it hard to get up for work. She was a woman who more often than not had a bad hair day, who looked in the mirror and wondered why she couldn't just drag herself to the gym; she was a woman who sometimes questioned what reason had she to live on this planet. She was a woman who sometimes just got things wrong.
On the other hand, she was a woman with a million happy memories, who knew what it was like to experience true love and who was ready to experience more life, more love and make new memories. Whether it happened in ten months or ten years, she would just obey the final message. Whatever lay ahead, she knew she would open her heart and follow where it led her.
This is my first time in Korea and something struck up in my mind.
The person that should be here with me is none other than, you.
If everything didn't go wrong, if I didn't selfishly leave you on your 28th birthday, we are here taking our wedding photos, which you already made a deposit to.
My mother-in-law called me the day before I flew at the airport. She's still asking me for the reason you chose this road and crying to me on the phone, telling me how much she still thinks of you everyday.
My sister-in-law messaged me to ask if I still have your photo so they can put up at your new place. I could not even bring myself to tell her I actually lost it. I can't even protect and keep safe something so simple like your photo. How could you have trusted little Chloe with me for life?
Things got kind of cleared up in my mind these months. No, I still got no idea of why you left so abruptly and I guess I will never know. But one thing for sure is, regardless the reason behind, this tragedy happened because I didn't standby you as your wife, like I vowed to be; I wasn't there for you, like I promised.
Before you passed on, I remember we were lashing each other out on how we failed as a husband and wife.
It's too late to say this now but, I'm sorry for saying words that hurt you. You were the perfect husband I could never have asked for, the perfect husband whom couldn't have loved me better. I'm sorry for blaming you for everything that I couldn't fucking do.
一个人黑夜里的哭泣就像你在一旁嘲笑我过去的愚蠢。
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
只要你可以永远开心,我会情愿渐渐被忘记。
Today is one of the depression days where I find myself locked up in the room and immobile for hours again. I cry for a while, stopped and felt okay, lit up a cigarette and then cry again. I don't know what triggered the sadness this time. Probably the WhiteLink receipt which I happened to fumble on or lil' Chloe's repeated callings for 'papa' when she accidentally fumbled on our photos as well.
But what I'm sure of is, I really miss you a lot.
If you're still out there listening, 只要你可以永远开心,我会情愿渐渐被忘记。