Your Sweet♥~
Linda Ser.
♥♥♥
Smiling to herself as she sat at the table waiting for him to bring back the drinks. She relaxed back in her chair and gazed out of the window to the cold June day that caused the trees to dance wildy in the wind. She thought about what she had learned, who she once was and who she had now become. She now had a job that she loved, wonderful people whom she knew so true and felt confident within herself to reach for what she wanted.
She was a woman who made mistakes, who sometimes cried on a Monday morning or at night alone in bed. She was a woman who often became bored with her life and found it hard to get up for work. She was a woman who more often than not had a bad hair day, who looked in the mirror and wondered why she couldn't just drag herself to the gym; she was a woman who sometimes questioned what reason had she to live on this planet. She was a woman who sometimes just got things wrong.
On the other hand, she was a woman with a million happy memories, who knew what it was like to experience true love and who was ready to experience more life, more love and make new memories. Whether it happened in ten months or ten years, she would just obey the final message. Whatever lay ahead, she knew she would open her heart and follow where it led her.
In the meantime, she would just live.
♥
Music ♥
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Nobody had told me that I was short on time
I packed my room and thought about how I had bumbled around for the past month trying to get my life into some sort of order. Days went by when I felt so content, and confident that my life would be OK, and then as quickly as the feeling came it would disappear and I would feel sadness setting in again. I tried to find a routine I could fall into so that I felt as though I belong in my body and my body belong in this life, instead of wandering around like a zombie, watching everybody else live theirs while I waited for mine to end.
Unfortunately the routine hadn't turned out exactly as I hoped it would. I found myself immobile for hours in my room, reliving every single memory that me and DT shared. I spent most of that time thinking about every argument we'd had, wishing I could take them back, wishing I could take back every horrible word I had ever said to him, I prayed that DT had known my words had only been spoken in anger and that they had not reflected my true feelings. I tortured myself for the times I had acted selfishly, going out with my friends for the night and refused to let him come and find me when I couldn't be bothered instead of going home to him. I chastised myself for walking away from him when I should have hugged him, when I ignored him for days when he said he missed me. I hated myself for hanging up his calls when he said whatever I'm doing and saying to him hurt him a lot. I cursed myself for slamming his car door behind me the last time I saw him. I wanted to take back every moment I knew he had been so angry with me and hated me. I wished all my memories were of the good times but the bad times kept coming to haunt me. They had all been such a waste.
And nobody had told us that we were short on time.
Or rather, nobody had told me that I was short on time.
There were my happy days, when I would walk around in a daydream with nothing but a smile on my face, catching myself giggling as I walked down the street when a joke of ours would suddenly pop into my head.
Then I would fall into days of deep dark depression; then finally build up the strength to be positive and to snap out of it for another few days. But the tiniest and simplest thing would trigger off my tears again. That is my routine. It is a tiring process and most of the time I couldn't be bothered battling with my mind. It is far stronger than my body.
Friends and family came and went; sometimes helping me with my tears, other times making me laugh. But even in my laughter there was something missing. I never seemed to be truly happy; I just seemed to be passing time till I waited for something else. I am tired of just existing; I want to live. But what was the point in living when there is no life in it. These questions went through my mind over and over again till I reached the point of not wanting to wake up from my dreams that's becoming more and more vague each day.
I read and reread DT's proposal note to me and our msn chat history over and over again. I know he will never write notes nor speak to me ever again. It is this that I have the most difficulty trying to come to terms with.
I know that people said that one day I would be happy again and that this feeling would just be a distant memory. I don't know about that. But it is getting to that feeling that is the hard part.
还有谁能够紧握着我的手，陪着我期待消失的彩虹？
说好陪我到老
又狠往哪里走