Smiling to herself as she sat at the table waiting for him to bring back the drinks. She relaxed back in her chair and gazed out of the window to the cold June day that caused the trees to dance wildy in the wind. She thought about what she had learned, who she once was and who she had now become. She now had a job that she loved, wonderful people whom she knew so true and felt confident within herself to reach for what she wanted.
She was a woman who made mistakes, who sometimes cried on a Monday morning or at night alone in bed. She was a woman who often became bored with her life and found it hard to get up for work. She was a woman who more often than not had a bad hair day, who looked in the mirror and wondered why she couldn't just drag herself to the gym; she was a woman who sometimes questioned what reason had she to live on this planet. She was a woman who sometimes just got things wrong.
On the other hand, she was a woman with a million happy memories, who knew what it was like to experience true love and who was ready to experience more life, more love and make new memories. Whether it happened in ten months or ten years, she would just obey the final message. Whatever lay ahead, she knew she would open her heart and follow where it led her.
Today, you asked me to pack your stuffs and you will come over and collect when you're free. I replied the same and that your father could bring it to me on days when he comes over and pick Chloe.
Pauline said it's :( + :) I don't know. Don't know how I felt or should be feeling. I no longer know anything.
I remember how I used to sometimes go to my house downstairs with nothing, but my cellphone, and wait for your return. I would stare at the roads, awaiting for your black 821 mazda3 to come back home... on one of your gone-missing days. I didn't know how long I had to wait or would you even come back home, but I just didn't want to wait alone at home.
Now, I will still sit at the same spot, tuning into the same tracks. The difference there is only that, I'm no longer waiting for you to come home.
I'm not forcing myself not to think or forgetting everything between us. I laugh when I want to. I smile when I want to. I listen to songs that reminds me of you when I want to. I let the misses fill when they want to. I mourn and let emotions crawl over when they want to, as well.
我不想刻意不去想;我不想刻意忘记你。 I will just let time slowly bland the hurt, the love, the misses, the memories... and everything we shared.
One sweet day when we meet, we will just smile, and remember.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
28 things I want you to know
I came across this 99 things boys need to know about girls (yes, it's again, another of 'em going around) and there's a couple of points in this where I've tried (and allow me to say "my best") to make you understand for the whole 2 years.... Maybe not just a couple.
1. Don't ever lie to me; I always find out. 2. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook. 3. It's good to be sensitive at sometimes. 4. It is not cool to shoot vulgarities in front of me. 5. Just because I fight with you doesn't mean I don't care. I care more about you than anyone else. 6. If you think you're going away for a while, tell me so I don't think you're dead and call your house like 20 times in 1 day. 7. I love it when you tell me you love me and MEAN IT. 8. I may act like I don't care sometimes, but I really do. 9. When I say leave me alone, it really means, dear, please don't go. 10. When we part, I'm still hurting so don't act like I never cared. 11. Not all girls care about fancy dinners and fancy stuff. You being there is all that matters. 12. I want respect. If you can't understand that, you'll be alone in the end. 13. I may have a lot of guy friends, but the only one I think about is you. 14. If you speak nicely to me, I'll do the same back. 15. Yes, I want a man who work, and the security of knowing you can take care of me and Chloe if needed but you need to understand that money alone will not keep a relationship. 16. A girl needs to know that she can count on you, meaning don't break a date with your girl to go to a footballmahjong game with your buds. 17. Don't think that you can run off doing whatever you want to and think I am going to sit at home by the phone waiting for you to call. 18. I may forgive, but I never forget. 19. I'm afraid to look needy, and want you to think I can also live happily without you. 20. If I have a big game, meet, competition, or any kind of important event, I expect you to be there. 21. Be there for me when I need you. A smile, a call, a kiss, a hug, a visit, or just listening can go a long way when I'm done or mad at you. 22. Don't joke around about stuffs that can be serious. 23. Have at least a direction of where your future is going to be and don't just say it's your future. 25. I love surprises. 26. Even though you are sometimes insensitive and hurt me, I still love you with everything. 27. Just because a girl doesn't pick up on the first ring doesn't mean she's not waiting by the phone.
and, 28. There's never a moment when I say I love you and doesn't mean it.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Happy Birthday
A year ago, on your 27th birthday,
"Happy 27th birthday, dear! Regardless of 27 or 72, I will still love you, indefinitely. *hugs & kisses*"
was what I sent to you through sms.
You said you were lonely without me.
I smiled at your silliness.
I couldn't be by your side because I had to be there for my grandma's funeral at Batu Pahat, Malaysia. She couldn't even make out nor remember who I was the last day I saw her lying in the hospital and the last sounds I ever heard from her was the agony she had to put up with pipes going through her nose as her only source of food.
She was the last grandparent that I had and I really hoped you could be there as well.
You said you would come over after your birthday, but you disappeared on the next day, the 6th of Jan.
I was pregnant with Chloe for the 3rd month and it was the time when my mom finally came to terms with accepting my pregnancy and bought me cartons of milk for pregnant mothers.
Of course, my dad still couldn't. In fact, till this day, he still can't.
I acted like normal in the day, hoping my mom would not find anything suspicious.
She kept asking me when are you coming and all I could come up with are excuses and excuses, day after day, hoping you would reply my messages and calls.
I tried to sleep when it's all dark and quiet at night. And when I finally couldn't, I would head to the balcony while everyone's asleep, and cry all night, while holding on to my phone.
It's your 28th birthday today, David.
And my present for you, is my final decision of separation.
After more than 2 years of laughters, tears, joys and of course love, this is the ever first time I mean it by letting you go.